americana, all black, bowler, red lips
It’s approximately 8:42pm on a Saturday night and I’ve thwarted any plans I could have had to waste more money and get plastered out of my right mind tonight. Although, I did just open a bottle of cabernet sauvignon so the latter could technically still apply. I’ve been meaning to write this testimony for a little over a month now and every time I attempt to, I find myself constantly changing and rewriting sentiments. I do so because I find myself constantly changing. The first two months of 2014 have been the most altering and signifying I’ve had in my short 22 years on this earth. I left school, moved out, scraped by unemployed, loved, lost and realized more than I would have liked to about myself all within 8 petty weeks. I literally just noticed this is the first of March and I swear, I could not have planned this out any better. A new day to a new month and the most clear headed I’ve felt in a long time (sans the slight hindrance of vino in my system, mind you). I’ve never been able to express the deepest, most intimate realms of my existence because I never felt like I mattered enough to. It’s the saddest thing in the world to go your whole life not thinking anything different. I was wrong for so long, however. There comes a time in every person’s life when they are smacked in the face and forced to reconsider and reconfigure who they are. The time is now and these are my reflections.
Number one. I have been depressed all my life and I never was able to admit it because I didn’t think that applied to me. I mean, everyone gets bummed out once in a while, right? That’s a totally normal human emotion that comes and passes like changings in a tide. But, at what point does it become not so normal anymore? When you just burst out in tears for no deliberate reason one morning on your couch after you just got done moving your car because of street cleaning? When you send out horribly mean texts about even more horrible, paranoid thoughts in your head that you probably just made up out of nowhere to your significant other? When you’re in your car close to midnight contemplating driving to the ocean and never looking back because you’re so frantic and in so much pain you have no idea what else to do with yourself? I mean, is that normal? No, because those came at a time of long overdue years of pent up emotion that you just tried to hide that at some point, they caught up to you. Cue to today, March 1st, 2014, 9:38pm. This is where I am at this exact moment and I am here to tell the tale of this exact person and these exact scenarios that I am portraying because they are real. They are my life and they aren’t ideal and they aren’t pretty but they’re mine and I’ve learned to be proud of them instead of ashamed and embarrassed. I cannot tell you how alone I felt in those moments. I cannot tell you how hurt I was. I am so thankful for them though. I am thankful because they segued into me finally dealing head on with things that I ignored for so long. Was I ready for this? Not at all but life doesn’t give two fucks if you’re “ready” for things. It will do with you what it wills and there’s not much say in whether you want it or not. Admittance was the first step and then I realized that I needed to actually open up for once and let people in because Lord knows trying to heal myself on my own never worked. This next paragraph is for you, you know who you are and if you don’t, I’ll make it clear.
Number two. Okay, before I move on is there such a thing as a wine delivery service? Like seriously, that shit sounds so ideal right now. I may need to stop and go on a trek for more but I’ll let you know. Anyway, moving on. I admitted my sickness diagnosed as depression and now what? Well, I had to start from somewhere so I slowly started telling the people closest to me. I never ever thought I’d run to my parents for emotional support. You see, I never had that kind of relationship with them and there were points in time that I swore that would never happen. Never say never as they say because it’s so true. My parents have come a long way and have made so many positive changes in their lives and I mean, if they could do it, why couldn’t I? Let me tell you, they have been the most amazing, most supportive people and I do not know where I would be right now if it weren’t for them. My older brother and his girlfriend also took me under their wing and expressed their concern and love for me and once again, I don’t know where I would be without them. I was finally able to tell friends that I have known for years about the things I was and had been going through and even though they never saw it coming, they were none the less ready and willing to stick by my side and hear me out. Friends whom I wasn’t even that close to were showing their true colors and I could not have been more grateful for their willingness to extend their generosity for someone who was in so much need. This one is for you! I love you all! I also want to take this time to thank those who aren’t in my life anymore. I have taken away a lot from our now expired relationships and I have grown so much. No time has been wasted, only lessons learned. This post is an ode, to one, to none and everyone in between.
Number three. I want to extend my deepest regards to anyone else who may be going through the same thing I am. Firstly, you are not crazy. Depression is something that not everyone can relate to so therefore, they can’t possibly understand the rollercoaster of an emotional ride you’re going through. In fact, the tolls that manifest themselves in whatever way they decide to aren’t completely your fault. Does one get upset at the incessant coughing and sneezing that persists due to a cold? No, (well one shouldn’t anyway) because they are merely effects of your illness that can be contained but not fully helped. There is, however, an upside. You can and will get out of this shit-show of a time. Speaking from a person who has been going through a break-up as well as dealing with this realization, I can say that feeling sorry for yourself and sad about the situation is normal but it is also not healthy. By doing such, you are placing your happiness on some other human being that is as imperfect as you, so what sense does that make? At that point, you realize how truly misguided you are. Declare and feel every single shitty emotion you feel because it reminds you of how human you truly are. The more you try to “fix” everything by your own accord and be the sole proprietor of your well-being, the more you get away from your humanness, the more you will suffer. I at one point finally threw up my hands and said, “This is it! I can’t carry this burden anymore! My life is in your hands now and I resign any control I tried to have over this!” I have never felt freer and more at peace as I do now. Whatever will come will come because it is supposed to be. It’s cliché I know but I don’t think I could put it any better. It is now 12:15am and technically it is now Sunday. These past few hours have been laden with strife, consciousness and now cheap vodka, that I’m not entirely sure what my next point was going to be. Oh yeah, secondly, you are not alone. These feelings of abandonment and loneliness have been prevalent as long as humans figured out that these things later deemed as, “emotions”, were the reason behind that gut retching pain somewhere mid-chest where your heart is supposed to be. I’m not writing anything new here and I’m not the first and only one going through these upheavals. This is a normative phase in the humanoid condition and if you have yet to experience it, don’t worry, you will! AND IT IS TOTALLY 100% OKAY. Everyone wants to love and be loved right? With that, everyone wants the amazing feeling associated with such, right? Well, how come we don’t expect the other end of the spectrum? Love instills the most euphoric and dismal reactions and they are both so wonderful. They are because you take a step back and realize that you actually have the capacity to care for someone, you must have or else you wouldn’t know what those feel like and you aren’t able to see that more clearly than when you go through both waves. Completely worth it, every bit of it.
Number four. Wait, hold on. I was just informed that wine delivery services do in fact exist. Oh, Lord. This is the best/worst news I have received in a while. I’m going to need a phone number…but back to this. One thing I find my mind sometimes wandering to is down the road of regret and remorse. Why did things have to turn out this way? Why couldn’t I have done that differently? Why did I have to ruin everything? WHY DO I SUCK SO HARD? FRIGGIN’ WHY?! Forget the questions and the why’s. They don’t matter anymore because they cannot be undone. Stop beating yourself up over the past because the past has passed and I’ve finally passed the point of worrying about it. I am, however, thinking about the future. Everything that I am going through now actually came at the most perfect time. I am the product of two people who came together with excessive baggage that wasn’t sifted through until 3 kids, a marriage, a mortgage and 20-some years of deep-rooted ties, later. I have nothing tying me down to anything or anyone and it’s truly a blessing in disguise. If my life ever results in 3 kids, a marriage, a mortgage and 20-some years of deep-rooted ties to someone later, I will be emotionally stable enough to handle those things. I would hate for my future family to be dragged through the muddy waters of personal despair. I don’t even have to look that far ahead I mean, it pretty much had already begun. It really isn’t so personal after all if you put it into perspective. Your loved ones are going through the motions with you and it just isn’t fair to them either just like it wasn’t fair to the adolescent me who grew up in that kind of environment. It was the most brutal wake-up call but for the millionth time, I am so friggin’ thankful and anyone who has been put in this position will eventually be saying the same thing. Believe me.
Number five. As the bottle of cabernet sauvignon somehow depletes itself (I didn’t drink it all on my own, I swear, no way, not at all…) and a screwdriver magically disappears as quickly as it was placed in my hand, it is morning and I have woken up from my boozy stupor. It is 8:16am and I am currently listening to “8:16am” by 311 and I swear, I could not have planned this out any better. That’s the great thing about life though, it just keeps on going. You can always count on the sun rising and the mark of a new day and new opportunities to either completely make your life worse or better. For every one bad day I have, I have about 3 really great, empowering ones. Don’t ever think you’re not allowed to have off days. It’s bound to happen every once in a while because life is suffering, just ask Buddha. However, they should not consume you or else you will be trapped in this endless cycle of disparity and who wants that? Many seek peace but not everyone finds it and I’ll be damned if I’m stuck on that side of the spectrum anymore. It starts with being able to be utterly alone and void of all things and people and still know that you are a complete person within yourself. Our attachments to anything material on this earth are trivial because everything is impermanent and everything and everyone will eventually be subject to the same demise. LET IT ALL GO! Once we have found that inner sanctity then we can fill others with a love like the one we have for ourselves. Embrace the bad times because they make the goods one that much more to be appreciated. Embrace every human quality us humans can possibly possess because they are so raw and true and human. It’s okay to be what we were created to be.
I would like to thank you. Thank you for taking time to read the emotional banter that I so drunkenly exclaimed last night as being, “…GOLD! I’M WRITING GOLD GUYS!” I cannot express how therapeutic this truly was. Thank you to the higher powers that be because you have the ability to take away all the heartache and you can have it, I don’t want it anymore. Thank you to all the beautiful souls who were placed in my life not only for the fun times but for harder ones just like this. You mean more to me than you’ll ever know.
Until next time, my loves.